I Love You Tan-Man

We have known the Juenger family since forever. Most pictures we have involve at least one of the Juenger boys. Tyler, being 17, is a year older then my brother Evan, and year younger then my brother Austin. Conner and Colin-the twins- are 11. Only two years older than my brother Carson. And Tanner,  was closest to my age. Being only a year older than me, we were best friends, and spent majority of our childhood together. As we got older we started to drift apart. Which was understandable. Boys got cooties and while I was interested in dolls and hair, he was interested in football and cars. But I wish we hadn’t drifted apart. You see, Tanner was born with half a heart. More specifically hypo plastic left heart syndrome. I remember there was a girl in my class that had the same disease. But, she functioned better then Tanner did. And while she stayed healthy, Tanner didn’t.

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I stood in front of the old box television, watching a new image pop up every few seconds. I remember being irritated. Thinking, the few seconds they showed each picture was not enough. The screen faded to black. And suddenly came to life again. Tanner and I appeared on the screen. Yet another picture that I didn't remember. It was a hot day...I assumed. I was dressed in a pink swimsuit, and Tanner sat beside me. Our hair was both beach blonde, and the sun had highlighted it to the point where it was almost white. I was laughing as I reached into a plastic cup to grab a piece of ice. Tanner licked his fingers beside me, with a calm expression on his face. He was always eating. "Remember that?" My mom touched my shoulder gently "You two were best friends". My throat closed. I didn't know what to say. Should I lie; tell her I did? Or should I admit that these pictures meant nothing? Tears formed in the corners of my eyes, and started slowing dripping down my checks. Guilt came over me at an overwhelming pace. I racked my mind for things I could remember; things I could cling to. His pasta salad was the best, I thought. We used to do his mom's hair. More tears formed. He loved the bears. I shut my eyes tightly. Why couldn’t I remember? My mom took my silence as a time to leave. She gave me a tight squeeze and slipped away into the crowd. I was grateful for the time I had to myself. I opened my eyes in time to see Tanner and I disappear. Only to see us again, in a different setting. This time we were both in a stroller. It was summer again... the 4^th of July to be more specific. I had pigtails that had obnoxious bows, just like everything else I wore as a child.  I was smiling at Tanner, and although it was hard to tell under his nooky, he was smiling back. It looked like we were having fun... when did that stop? Why did we stop playing together? At what point did I decide I was too cool to hang-out with him? I glanced to the other side of the room. Something I hadn’t had the courage to do since I got here. But, soon enough my glance turned into a stare. Tanner. He lay motionless. His eyes closed, and as pale as the winter snow. As much as I never wanted to see him this way, I had too. And, as much as I didn’t want to say goodbye, it had to happen. I stood in line, feeling like a small child in a world of confusion. I let my head droop.

Dear God,

I’ll never understand why you chose Tanner. Why you took him away, when all he was, was good to you. I know, he won’t be sick up there. And he can do all the things he couldn’t do before. But, everyone here wishes they had had more time with him. Including me. I took him for granted. I don’t remember most of the things that happened when we were friends. And it makes me sad to think that there will never be a chance for me to become friends again... Take care of him please.

                                                     

                                                                                  Amen.

A smile spread across my face.

One last thing... make sure you stock up on the food. You’re going to need it.;)

One last tear rolled down my face as I walked up to Tanner. I said my goodbyes, and slowly walked to the phew. Leaving Tanner behind left a bitter sweet taste. Yes, it was hard. But, deep down I knew that somewhere in the future there would see him again. And I couldn’t wait for that day to come.

I love you Tan-Man